There is a particular kind of coastal town where the fleet still lands its catch before dawn, the market square smells of wet rope and warm pastry, and the best breakfast in Britain costs about four pounds and arrives in a paper bag. You will find them all around the UK coast — in Cornwall and Pembrokeshire, along the Northumberland shore, in Fife and down into Kent. The trick is to visit on a Saturday, arrive early, and work your way from the back streets to the harbour wall in one unhurried morning.
Be parked by eight o'clock. Most coastal markets run from roughly 8am until 2pm, but the genuinely good stuff — the first bake, the last of the night's catch, the stallholder who remembers your face — happens in the first two hours. By eleven the queues are long and the fish counters are picked over.
If you can, come by train and walk in from the station; the route usually takes you past the working side of the harbour rather than the gift-shop side, which is the correct introduction. Bring a cool bag with an ice block in it, and keep a little cash in your pocket — a surprising number of the best stalls still prefer notes to cards on a busy Saturday.
Find the shop with a slate counter, a chalked board and a faint whiff of ammonia at the door. That smell is not a fault; it means someone in there is turning and caring for cheese properly. Coastal towns punch well above their weight on this front, partly because the same cool, damp air that makes the fishing miserable is ideal for maturing cheese.
Ask for a sliver of anything you have not heard of and let the person behind the counter guide you. Expect to pay £4–£8 for a 200g wedge. Good things to look for:
You can usually smell a real smokehouse before you see it. The genuine article will tell you which day the fish was cured and which wood was used — oak and beech are common, peat turns up in the north and west. If nobody can answer the question, keep walking.
Buy hot-smoked mackerel for lunch, cold-smoked haddock for a midweek supper, and a pot of smoked butter or smoked salt if they have it. A whole smoked mackerel costs a few pounds and, eaten with a torn-off piece of bread an hour later on a bench, will beat most restaurant meals you have had this year.
Every good coastal town has a bakery with a queue outside by half past nine, and the queue is the review. Look for whatever regional speciality the town is known for — saffron buns in the far south-west, stotties in the north-east, a properly sour, dark-crusted loaf most places — and buy one thing to eat now and one for tomorrow's toast.
Eat the first item immediately, standing up, preferably within sight of water. Warm pastry and cold sea air is one of the great British combinations, and it costs about £3.
This is the main event. Many working harbours have a modest shack near the quay where oysters are shucked to order and served on crushed ice, usually for £1.50–£3 each. Order six rather than a dozen to begin with, taste the first one completely plain, and only then reach for the lemon, the pepper or the shallot vinegar.
Ask for natives if they are in season — the old rule about months containing an R still holds reasonably well — otherwise rock oysters are excellent all year and arguably kinder to the wallet. Eat each one within seconds of it being opened. Once they have sat for ten minutes, you have lost the point of the exercise.
If oysters are not the town's speciality, look instead for a crab stall, a pot of whelks, or cockles dressed with vinegar and white pepper. The ritual is the same: paper, a wooden fork, and a wall to lean on.
Head home with a cool bag full of smoked fish, a wedge of something obscure, and sand in your shoes, and you will have done the whole thing properly. This is not fine dining. It is better than fine dining — it is a Saturday morning on the British coast, and it is almost impossible to get wrong if you simply turn up early and follow your nose.
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